Sources report that after planning a weekend getaway to Seattle from Sunnyvale, California, tourist Jane Simmons’ main objective on her trip this weekend is to not to look like a tourist on her tourist trip.
“A lot of regular tourists think the point of going on a trip is all about enjoying yourself while being as comfortable as possible in a new, strange setting, but those kinds of umbrella-toting people are losers. People who really want to temporarily be a part of this city wear Goretex every day,” said Simmons as sweat entirely soaked the vintage Nirvana t-shirt she wore today inside of a 100% unbreathable $500 Goretex jacket. “You couldn’t catch me dead walking around in those touristy New Balance sneakers either. You can catch me in these socks and sandals, though, as I contract trench foot like a true local.”
Simmons also emphasized the importance of steering clear of overcrowded tourist destinations in favor of lesser-known local travel fare.
“Come on, the Space Needle? I’m more into the underground stuff here like the Underground Tour,” Simmons said while showing off her new copy of the Seattle-based novel Where’d You Go Bernadette, which is definitely not written by a California transplant who literally wrote episodes of the show Beverly Hills, 90210. “You really gotta get off the beaten path and try doing something like visiting the Fremont Troll.”
At press time, Simmons was seen confidently informing the rest of her tour group that it’s actually “Pike’s Place Market” while waiting in line at the original Starbucks location, where she refused to order an iced coffee out of “cultural sensitivity.”
