CNN and many other of the nation’s most trusted media outlets are reporting that some kind of chaotic incident this afternoon has apparently taken out the entire city of Tacoma.
“It seems that at about 3:50 p.m. Mount Rainier needed to make a little burp and things got a little out of hand, leaving at least 150 dead, 700 maimed for life, countless children orphaned, and every survivor completely homeless with nowhere to go,” said CNN reporter Dana Bash. “So, like only another 220,000 people in Washington state are homeless now—the surrounding cities should be able to easily and generously take them all in overnight without incident. We’re hearing a little lahar or whatever left the place looking a wee bit like Pompeii, but we’re sure Tacoma will be able to rise from the ashes as a cool tourist destination in no time. Now onto our lead story: Did you know Bradley Cooper likes walking around naked? He does!”
Although several leftist volcano scientists took issue with the terminology mainstream media outlets were using to describe Tacoma’s kerfuffle with countless tons of hot magma and mud, the nation’s top news editors defended their unbiased and objective coverage.
“We know some radical geologists are saying it would be more accurate to say that this is the most catastrophic and deadly volcanic event in our country’s history, but honestly that’s a bit dramatic and not what the US Geological Survey spokesman told us at all,” said CNN Lead Producer Hank Smith. “If USGS tells us that this was just Mount Rainier having a little after-lunch indigestion while a few too many people just happened to be crowded together doing things like getting flour and bread, we have to report exactly that. Who are we as mere journalists to question a government agency’s press release narratives just because we have countless photographs and experts in the field telling us otherwise?”
At press time, another completely unrelated chaotic incident ended with everyone in the Seattle area taking cold plunges.
