Following a weekend raid on Seattle gay bars that resulted in several citation threats for the “exposure of a male nipple,” today the Seattle Police Department formally announced the creation of their new “Male Nipple Exposure Prevention Task Force.”
“We got a hot tip that there were some male nipples on display in a gay bar, and when our boys got there it was worse than I could have imagined—rock-hard, erect male nipples everywhere. These pointy little glass cutters could have put someone’s eye out, or worse,” said SPD Chief Adrian Diaz. “This shocking discovery proves the need for a new ‘Male Nipple Exposure Prevention Task Force’ to nip this problem in the bud. Remember: A gay bar is simply no place for an exposed male nipple in polite society—take it to the beach, park, or some other shared public space if you want to flash those little pink chest berries around.”
Following the formation of the new unit, Male NEP Task Force Commander Kyle Burns laid out their perky new strategy to prevent such a taut situation from ever happening again.
“Seattle’s new elite task force has been authorized to comb gay bars from tip to torso across the city for any flagrant nipple violations and, if necessary, dispense purple nurples and titty twisters to subdue any particularly aggressive chesticles,” said Male NEP Task Force Commander Kyle Burns. “Before, all we could do was hand out a few ‘exposed male nipple citations,’ but with our new task force we’ll be empowered to come in here every weekend and make sure these big muscly men aren’t endangering any innocent bystanders by bouncing their glistening pecs around.”
In response to the prickly problem, Seattle City Council announced it would offer blank check authorization to anything the Seattle Police Department needed, including an expansion to their Jockstrap Jurisdiction.
