King County residents were shocked today after a new study revealed that despite being slightly aware that a place called “Burien” exists, it was in fact just a fictional place we all collectively imagined in a shared fever dream.
“We triple-checked and there’s simply no mention of anything called ‘Burien’ in the historic records and, as far as we can tell, it’s a place we all curiously conjured out of thin air—sort of how like some people imagine Yakima is the ‘The Palm Springs of Washington,’” said University of Washington researcher Ken Clement. “We can’t yet explain this phenomenon, but it appears there may be what we’re calling a ‘Burien spot’ in all of our brains that enables us to hallucinate the idea of a waterfront suburb that would seem half-way decent to live in if it wasn’t the kind of place that spends months bullying homeless people instead of accepting and using $1 million in housing assistance and pallet shelters King County’s offered them countless times. It’s merely our own local Lake Wobegon. But, hey, if you think that’s weird, did you know Forks does exist outside of Twilight movies? It’s true, so watch out for vamps if you’re ever out that way.”
The report came as a shock to King County residents who were sure that Burien was a real place, even though they had never seen it with their own eyes.
“I could have sworn I used to have a co-worker who said they lived in Burien, but they must have just made it up because they live in White Center,” said Sea-Tac resident Marshall Wallace. “Why do people do that? Do they think Full Tilt, Southgate Roller Rink, Salvadorean Bakery and Restaurant and Beer Star are too incredible to exist too? Pinche pendejos.”
At press time, UW researchers confirmed that everyone who’s ever claimed to live in Burien does, in fact, live in White Center and to watch out for anyone who keeps saying they went to college at WSU because that’s not a real place either. Researchers also deny there’s any evidence backing up conspiracy theorist claims that Burien always has existed and is just being covered up and turned into an Area 51-style military installation facilitating a secretive Sasquatch mating habitat.
