In a moment of inconvenient clarity atop Vesper Peak, one local man who has made his entire personality a combination of dogs, mountaineering, and brewing beer made the extremely unfortunate personal realization today that he hates dogs, mountains, and beer.
“Wow,” said Cody Ethan while freezing his ass off and trying not to die while walking down steep, icy rock. “This is definitely a revelation I wish I’d made before dropping $4,500 at REI, adopting a dog, and defending IPAs so hard I’m now estranged from my entire family.”
Ethan made the newly found information about himself public in an announcement to his followers this afternoon.
“After careful consideration and years of developing a personal brand that looks good on social media and dating websites, I’ve concluded that I actually am not really into any of this shit,” Ethan said in one final Instagram media post of him standing on a rock looking into the distance. “Spooning with dogs, freezing my ass off in my free time on adventures that always nearly literally kill me, and beers of any sort are no longer my thing—no not even a fine Belgian sour. The actual real me just wants to tend to a giant aquarium of clown fish, have my entire bed to myself, wear a plain t-shirt and basketball shorts every day, and drink nothing but Baja Blasts. Is that such a crime?”
At press time, Ethan reported that being his most authentic self was already paying off as countless local women who never want to hike, take a walk, or smell fermenting hops again began beating down his door.
