Tonight the host who has a table ready for your family to celebrate your grandma’s 79th birthday is reporting that, for the record, he’s as tired as the red carpet in this Westlake Buca di Beppo and actually isn’t that happy to seat you right now.
“Oh, I’ll take you to the big Pope-themed table you requested and that I’m contractually obligated to as sworn member of the Buca Di Beppo workforce, but will I be happy to do it?” said host Frankie Liotta, staring straight into your mother’s eyes during a dramatic pause. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not, maybe go fuck yourself. Which one do you think it is, toots? Our special tonight is some spicy emotional honesty for once.”
After taking a moment to cool down, the host came back still not happy to seat you, but at least a little more contemplative and nostalgic about it.
“Don’t get me wrong. There was a time when I was happy to seat you and watch you stuff your faces with reheated Italian frozen food with a view of Lake Union,” Liotta said, puffing an oregano-scented vape in your father’s face. “It was a long, long time ago when high school kids who came here for their awkward dates actually knew who the celebrities on our wall were. As if Sophia Loren would even step foot in this place, but at least they got a thrill imagining her eating five pounds of defrosted stuffed shells.”
At press time, your family was happy to bother and bitch to the host as little as possible.
