As Seattleites continue to flock to South Lake Union to take advantage of warm summer weather, one unsettling new report reveals that a couple just finished having sex in the hot tub boat you’re currently in only moments before you got in there.
“Oh yeah, these things are regular floating fornication ferries—you can’t keep people from churning each other’s love butter in ‘em—especially the one you’re currently in,” said hot tub boat operator Dean Willis, telling you this vital information right after you fully submerged yourself. “The couple before you were really going at it too! I thought a boat crashed and people were screaming for help, but it was just the ecstasy of two love birds making hot dog-flavored water in this specific hot tub boat. Don’t worry though: We fully hose them out once a week, which is tomorrow. Welp, enjoy!”
Even as their sensual sous vide session soiled the hot tub for future riders, the couple defended slow cooking each other’s tenderloins in the public setting.
“Oh, don’t be such a prude—everyone loves taking their partner for a spin cycle in the floating chum buckets,” said Bryce McCallan, rehydrating with a Powerade after his open-air escapades with his significant other. “Have you ever stayed at an AirBNB with a hot tub? You think those BS ‘cleaning fees’ are going towards draining that thing out after every use? Hell no. And then after you get drunk enough to do the two-back hot tub tango someone else is gonna be sloshing around in your sloppy seconds. That’s the circle of hot tub life, baby.”
Despite the controversy, all involved agreed it was still less disgusting than swimming in Green Lake.
