Determined to pump just as many customers with pumpkin spice spirit as ever despite oppressive wildfire smoke and resurfacing pandemic conditions, Starbucks released a new line of Pumpkin Spice HEPA filters today.
“Instead of coming into the café for harvest-time aromas that get you binging countless pumpkin spice drinks and desserts, now you can keep those cravings going all day from the safety of your own home,” said Starbucks spokesman Patrick Stein. “This easy-to-install air filter pulls toxins from the air and replaces them with a steady stream of almost equally noxious fall bliss. Hope you like cloves and nutmeg, because you won’t be able to get the smell out of your clothing, furniture, and pets for months.”
The announcement had local turtle-necked mothers rushing out the door and almost immediately selling out its stock.
“Oh baby, it feels like I’ve just snorted a line of cinnamon and Mommy is ready for seconds,” said Beth Ferguson, pressing her face to her box fan and inhaling. “You’ve hooked me again you sultry mermaid bitch. Time to turn this Dyson up to Turbo and take this pumpkin ecstasy carriage to Gourdsville.”
Due to the intoxicating nature of pumpkin spice, Starbucks has limited sales of the air filters to a maximum of 30 per household.
