The hottest new speakeasy in town abruptly shut down today after it was revealed that patrons had mistaken his kitchen window for a hidden entrance and helped themselves to his home bar.
“I thought my wife was imagining things when she said she heard some light jazz and hushed crowd noise coming from downstairs, but when I finally checked it out there was a speakeasy in my den,” said Ben Fitzgerald, shooing a crowd of patrons out of his front door while in his bathrobe. “I feel bad—this whole time I’ve been blaming my teenage son for the missing liquor, but it was just hipsters the whole time. Although, in hindsight, it did seem kinda weird that a 15-year old was using all my tangerine shrub to make cocktails instead of drinking the handle of Bacardi in the cupboard.”
But fans of the ‘The Fitzgerald’s Residence Speakeasy’ were disappointed to hear of its abrupt closure after Ben installed a lock on his window.
“Great, another beloved local institution shuttered just as I found a new favorite bar,” said speakeasy regular Brian Mills. “I didn’t know someone lived here, I just thought the bar was being ironic with the ‘kitschy home life’ theme—you know, ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ kitchen decor, the family photos on the fridge, a cat named Skittles, that kinda thing. Ah well, I’m gonna try another new spot tonight, I hear the hidden entrance is in a back alley behind a liquor store.”
At press time, Vanishing Seattle was already prepping a feature on the storied history of the Fitzgerald Residence Speakeasy.
