Today a hidden wildlife camera caught the first known footage of the much-rumored and not-until-now confirmed mating ritual between two of the Pacific Northwest’s most majestic and elusive beasts: the walking Rainier “R” bottle and the Ivar’s Dancing Clam.
“We suspected for a long time that this is how the walking Rainier R bottles eventually popped its top, but we just weren’t sure,” said Lupina Wolf, Lead Bivalve Cryptozoologist at Evergreen. “There was always also the strong possibility that Ivar’s Dancing Clams satisfied their alleged surf-and-turf kink with more of a Squatch-type of situation. Turns out our long-held theory that Ivar’s white-wine steamed clams were always actually beer-steamed clams checks out.”
Though at first glance seemingly completely separate breeds of mythical ad campaign animals, Wolf says they’re actually from the same species of armless, black-legged PNW-brand mascots.
“They evolved into the PNW’s existence long ago in about the same Mickey Rooney-lifespan era,” Wolf said as she looked up from her microscope-shaped bong. “We’re hoping to fund much more research about the beautiful cross-breeding rituals of these iconic creatures after we sync up this camera livestream to an OnlyFans account.”
Wolf says her team of researchers is hoping for even more groundbreaking cryptozoological discoveries soon from other hidden wildlife cameras, including one stationed underwater in Elliott Bay to confirm a suspected affair between the Kraken and Fremont Troll as well as whose Buoy’s real parents are.
