In a surprise press conference this afternoon, Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell announced that he will be using an executive order and a couple close connections offering him a “pretty sweet deal” to relocate the Space Needle to Harbor Island.
“Look, I know the location most residents of Seattle and pretty much everywhere else were expecting the Space Needle to stay forever seemed to make a lot of sense because it’s right next to the already-existing Monorail, RapidRide bus stations, Climate Pledge Arena and countless other fabulous things at Seattle Center,” said Mayor Harrell. “But, guys, I just found out at the Rainier Club last night that my cousin’s lawyer’s sister’s property on Harbor Island is for sale and it’s pretty cheap. He says the city stands to save and make a lot of money if we just relocate it there. It’s not called a ‘superfund’ site for nothing! I know I could have done an extensive community information and outreach process before making this decision in a few backrooms you never were and never will be rich enough to enter, but I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. So, surprise!”
Asked by local residents and reporters how it makes any sense to move the Space Needle to a place where literally no one lives or goes to voluntarily and probably never will—all while implying the only reason he’s making that decision is he’s personally benefitting from the deal somehow—a hurt Mayor Harrell categorically denied every nefarious accusation.
“Me? A mayor paying a maximum amount of city funds to a guy named Tim Ceis who literally proudly goes by the nickname ‘The Shark’ to make this happen doing something shady? Well, I never!” gasped Harrell, sniffling while wiping away tears. “Look, it’s not only just as good of a location—it’s better! Time and again Town & Country rates Harbor Island the spookiest labyrinth for automobile drivers in the nation and all pedestrians have to do to get there is climb up and down a sturdy rope ladder hanging down from the West Seattle Bridge after running across seven lanes of traffic. And public transit riders? Yeah, I mean, I’ll keep it real for once: Y’all can go fuck yourselves. Okay, and one more thing before we wrap up here: Don’t forget that we’re One Seattle—my Seattle, bitches.”
Angry as thousands of local residents were about the Space Needle relocation to Harbor Island at press time, sources confirmed their fury still pales in comparison to public transit advocates still pissed at Harrell for relocating plans for a 4th Avenue light rail transit hub at Union Station to the King County Jail and plans for a light rail station near First Hill to a property underneath I-90 owned by a friend only a 10-minute walk and quick run-for-your-life across Dearborn away to most of Chinatown/International District.
Photo “Seattle skyline and Harbor Island from West Seattle” by SounderBruce with alterations from The Needling (CC BY-SA 2.0)
