As Howard Schultz prepares to take a bow at Starbucks, the CEO announced his final act would be infusing coffee with olive oil in a new specialty drink called the Oleato released nationwide today, then having every café’s bathroom locked.
“What kind of a sick bastard mixes two of nature’s most powerful laxatives into an oily slurry and then makes us get a code for the bathroom?” said Starbucks customer Vincent Esposito, clenching for dear life while trying to flag down a barista. “They were giving out free samples of the Oleato, and now we got a line of desperate people halfway out the door about to crap their chinos!”
But while some baristas complained that the rollout of the Oleato was running a little too smoothly, Schultz remained proud of his unusual concoction.
“Coffee’s been around for thousands of years and somehow nobody’s ever thought of mixing olive oil and coffee except me,” said Schultz, putting an ‘out of order’ sign on a bathroom before padlocking it. “At first it sounds like it’s a union between two disparate things that should never go together, like putting workers and other workers together to fight for better pay and working conditions. But it’s actually a natural pairing like peanut butter and eggs, or basketball and Oklahoma City.”
Hoping to keep up with the competition, Dunkin Donuts announced that they would begin dumping donut fry oil into their coffee for their new line of Greasepresso beverages.
