Seattle’s beloved Fremont Troll announced today that even he has now had his car’s catalytic converter stolen from literally right under his nose.
“Unbelievable—one second I’m distracted by another six-year-old trying to pick my nose in broad daylight and the next my thumb could feel it was gone,” said a still incredulous Fremont Troll. “Just got a bright new red paintjob on this baby and everything too, ugh. I mean, sure, I was never gonna drive in it, but I was looking forward to actually eating it someday for a special occasion, catalytic converter included – I love car giblets!”
Frustrated as the Fremont Troll was about the theft, he admitted that he was honestly kind of impressed at how quick and efficient the thieves were too.
“You know, game recognizes game—I didn’t exactly come by this car fair and square myself when I stole it off the Aurora Bridge back in the 90s, did I?” Fremont Troll said with a shrug. “And then what do you know? I suddenly have a successful job as local celebrity landmark and never had to steal another car again. I guess we all just do what we can to get along in this life. As a devout pagan troll, I pray someday the people who did this find a better way to survive in this brutal world and even live comfortably under a nice bridge like me someday.”
At press time, Fremont Troll said he took the theft as a sign from Ghworg that it’s time to stop using cars that need any catalytic converters to use fossil fuels in the first place by replacing the VW Bug with a new, all-electric Subaru Solterra fresh off the Fremont Way North Highway 99 onramp.
