Howard Schultz’s anti-union crusade continued today after the interim Starbucks CEO crashed a local wedding to prevent the couple’s marital union from being recognized.
“I had just finished saying ‘we’re gathered here today to celebrate this union’ when Howard Schultz kicked down the door, screamed ‘over my dead body!’ and started flipping tables over,” said wedding officiant Arthur Hernandez. “Then he tried to fire the bride and groom and announced he’d be immediately holding a hiring event to find a new couple that would be willing to represent Starbucks’ traditional values in matrimony. Between you and me, I think the guy is a few beans short of a latte.”
Following his wedding day rampage, Schultz went on an unhinged rant taking aim at every type of union imaginable.
“When I’m done with this country, there won’t be a single union left standing!” shrieked Schultz, foaming at the mouth like a cappuccino. ”Philadelphia Union soccer club? Not after I bought it this morning, say hello to the Oklahoma City Bean Brigade! And your precious Lake Union? I’ve already started to drain it so I can use its water to brew my acrid coffee, and there’s nothing any of you can do to stop me!”
At press time, a gray-suited Schultz was reportedly somewhere in Eastern Washington wreaking havoc and going completely off-script in a local Civil War re-enactment.
Photo “Howard Schultz” by Gage Skidmore with alterations (CC BY-SA 2.0)
