A local cash-strapped millennial stunned neighbors and became an overnight DIY TikTok sensation this week by building the first and likely only home he’ll ever own out of avocado toast.
“I just kept hearing from boomers that the main reason I didn’t have enough money for a home is all the avocado toast I was buying, so I did the math, and they were right—I could totally afford enough avocado toast to build a home,” said proud new homeowner and DIY superstar Brit Baker. “So, with the help of a dump truck full of guac and a few dozen palettes of Macrina casera bricks, I’m now the proud owner of this new Crustman-style house. Now if I can just figure out how to get the mimosa-drunk brunch babes to stop eating my foundation, I can finally move in. Hey you, get off of there—that’s a load bearing baguette!”
With companies like Blackstone and Zillow snatching up homes across the country, economists are forecasting a historic increase in young people being driven to unorthodox housing solutions like Baker’s.
“With housing prices soaring and wages stagnating, the future of millennial home ownership is unconventional building materials —in fact, I just recently finished my own rambler constructed out of my student loan debt letters,” said millennial economist Stephen Barnes. “The fact of the matter is that even if you gave up daily avocado toast that costs an exorbitant $18, it would still take a young person 128 years to save up for a median $850k home in Seattle. So, unless you have a TikTok-famous goldendoodle that owns their own luxury dog house that you can move in with, I’d get working on constructing a condo from all your old discarded iPhones.”
At press time, millennial scientists were working on a new technology that would allow them to convert their daily latte into time machine fuel so they could go back 40 years ago when buying a house made of normal materials wasn’t literally impossible to afford.
