Local clean-eating co-op grocer PCC Community Markets just announced that tonight they’ll be transforming their markets into spooky haunted houses called “Frankenfood Manor.”
“Member-customers will start in the ‘Gluten Free Zone’ only to realize member-workers are suddenly chasing and trying to dis-member them with sharp, freshly baked French baguettes ,” said PCC Community Outreach Director Arielle Johnson with a mischievous smile. “Spooky clouds of ghost-white flour then creep in to prove whether you really are one of the 1 percent of people with actual celiac disease or just one of the 100 percent of people who are generally healthier when they don’t constantly overeat bread, crackers and other refined carbs.”
Other exhibits include a witch’s cauldron of bubbling high fructose corn syrup and a butcher’s case full of meat cuts labelled “100% corn-fed.”
“This is all for fun fake scares though — we would never let Hormel Foods get near our pasture-raised, grass-finished Niman Ranch products,” Johnson said, before stepping in to keep a group of kids from getting hurt. “Oh kids! Don’t really take anything from that poisonous bowl of Snickers and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – safe, beet juice-sweetened Annie’s Organic gummies are near the door on your way out. Watch out for those unionized self-checkout stands too.”
For those who miss the chance to visit the PCC haunted house, Johnson said corporate grocery stores like Safeway, QFC and Whole Foods actually run even better horror shows all year long.
