After an entire summer of carefully tending to a new vegetable garden on an at least daily basis, several witnesses say that neighbor Garrett Larson was seen raising the single withered vegetable he harvested this year into the air like Excalibur.
“Look upon my splendor, mere mortals, and weep!” Larson reportedly said as he brandished the fragile, malformed carrot above his head like the mystical sword of Arthurian lore. “’Twas written in stone long ago that one day I would reach my rightful destiny to grow one extremely bitter, stringy carrot. I have thus brought a bountiful harvest for us all to help brave the harsh winter! Thank me! Thank your king, fools!”
Reports indicated that after pulling the only carrot he was able to grow despite consulting hundreds of gardening websites, Larson spent several minutes basking in its shimmering beauty, wagging it at all passersby.
“Finally! We shall gather at the roundtable to feast upon this bounty of exactly 3 milligrams of beta carotene,” Larson announced for all to hear and promptly freak out about on Nextdoor. “Forever and ever, legend shall now have it that when I talk to fair maidens at parties heretofore about growing organic produce in my backyard with my bare hands, it will technically be true.”
Though most of Larson’s neighbors believe the carrot is the only item he gleaned from his garden this year, one source who did not want to be named said they had also seen Larson at midnight yesterday parading around a miniature, malformed zucchini like the corpse of a deposed warlord.
