After much speculation since the release of their fall flavors last month, coffee experts at Starbucks’ CDC (Caffeine Deficiency Center) officially announced today that they will begin recommending pumpkin-spice boosters if someone’s last latte was more than two hours ago.
“As we arrive on the cusp of cozy season, a 470cc pumpkin spice booster is recommended for many of our more autumnal affected populations who might be at risk of cozy and caffeine-related deficiecies,” said Starbucks spokesperson Susan Baker. “These recommended populations include, but are not limited to, cozy fall bitches, soccer moms, autumn-crazed lunatics dragging eight feet of chunky knit scarf behind them the day after Labor Day, and bearded flannel bros ordering the latte on their mobile app under their wife’s name to hide the fact that the pumpkin spice latte is actually for them.”
Boasting more than 500 million doses to date, Starbucks has officially declared their decades-long pumpkin spice program an unqualified success.
“It’s been nine long, hard months since my last PSL and I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to last,” said Jamie Collins, taking an unsettlingly long swig from their Venti pumpkin spice latte. “I talked with my licensed barista and they said as it gets colder, a steady flow of pumpkin spice at all times is going to be critical to maintain optimal hygge levels. I didn’t want to take any chances, so I grabbed a pumpkin donut from Top Pot on the way. And pumpkin spice yogurt from Ellenos. And pumpkin ice cream from Bluebird. And I might have eaten one of my dog’s Pup-kin Spice Dog Treats. But you know, better safe than sorry, right?”
Governor Inslee later announced that starting September 22nd, proof of pumpkin spice booster would be mandatory for those wishing to attend youth soccer games, pumpkin patches, corn mazes, or enter the Leavenworth city limits.
