After a bleak fundraising year stifled by the COVID-19 pandemic, one local nonprofit says their only hope to make it through the next fiscal year is a public, humiliating divorce of Seattle’s third favorite billionaire.
“I mean, sure, in a perfect world we wouldn’t have to hope his poor wife of 30 years happens to find a naughty text pop up on his phone from an escort saying she can’t wait to gently suck his hairy Ballmers, but that’s kind of where the world’s at right now,” said Kurt Morgan, chair of the Seattle-based Giving Green nonprofit. “Government isn’t properly funding work like ours and we’d hate to continue bothering other folks who’ve already been financially stretched thin this year. So, yeah, maybe we’re kinda hoping Ballmer’s marriage blows up because he’s been having an illicit love affair with LA Clippers point guard Reggie Jackson. Is that so bad?”
While local nonprofits overlooked by the former spouses of Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates held out hope for an abrupt end to Ballmer’s 30-year marriage, Morgan privately looked for other potential billionaire breakups.
“Look, global philanthropy is primarily bankrolled by like nine guilt-stricken women trying to make up for their billionaire husbands’ disgusting extracurricular activities,” Morgan said. “Do you think it’s too early to start hitting up Grimes? I don’t know what’s going on at Elon’s Gigafactories, but I bet it’s Gigafucked up.”
At press time, local, state and federal politicians too afraid to pass a Green New Deal were hoping for a swift, prenup-free elopement this summer between Bezos and girlfriend Lauren Sanchez.
