Following his concession from New York City’s mayoral race, Andrew Yang was spotted this afternoon licking the famed Gum Wall in a desperate attempt to ingratiate himself to the Emerald City ahead of his Seattle mayoral campaign announcement.
“Like many of the fine folks of this great city, I always recharge with a big, wet slurp on the good ol’ Gum Wall. The taste of stale Bubblicious on my tongue gets me so excited to participate in local industries like airplane, computer, and coffee,” said Yang. “Ever since I transplanted here this morning, I’ve fallen in love with the city of Seattle. When I’m not listening to my favorite grunge band, Stone Temple Pilots, or walking around my favorite Seattle neighborhood, SeaTac, you can find me at Pike’s Place waiting in line at the first Starbucks. That’s why I’m proud to announce my candidacy for Seattle City Mayor.”
Yang said he promised innovative ideas to strengthen the city’s infrastructure in its most wealthy neighborhoods, reinvigorate efforts to wield the Seattle Police Department to demonize the homeless, and continue the city’s longstanding tradition of rushing to every beck and call of its powerful tech conglomerates.
“As much as I love the city that I’ve been proud to call my home since I got here nine hours ago, it breaks my heart to be informed that Seattle is Dying,” continued Yang, pausing to instruct an intern to call a health inspector after seeing a salmon fly through the air. “I see a city ravaged by pink umbrellas while its police are left with nothing but the militarized weight of the local government to defend themselves. I see a city that has treated its benevolent tech-dictator so poorly they’ve driven him to flee to outer space. It just doesn’t add up – and you can trust my math because I’m Asian! Don’t like it? Let me know and I’ll change it next week. Vote for Andrew Yang: Just tell me who you want me to be and I’ll be like that. Please?”
Following the announcement, Yang’s campaign vowed to address the closure of the West Seattle Bridge and revitalize Seattle’s crumbling infrastructure with a new fleet of electric Ride the Ducks boats.
