A Lynnwood woman has been placed into the Federal Witness Protection program today after she had discovered that her cat, Dr. Meowchi, had repeatedly conspired to have her killed following an incident in which she was an hour late to feed him breakfast.
“I thought it was just so nice that Dr. Meowchi let me sleep in for once, but when I opened my eyes he was looming above me, glaring at me from atop my nightstand,” said Federal Witness Jane Doe, who was required to remain anonymous for her safety. “I didn’t think much of it at first, but then for the rest of the day I nearly had the strangest accidents. First, I almost fell and broke my neck after I tripped on some yarn that had been strung up at ankle height at the top of the stairs, and then later when I went to take a bath I found my toaster was plugged in and had been placed on the edge of the bathtub. I told Dr. Meowchi I was going to go run to the store to buy some more Fancy Feast and I just drove away and never came back home. I wake up every day in fear of finding a dead mouse in my bed.”
Such relocations are more common than most people think according to the US Marshal’s Department.
“Every year, thousands of Americans are placed into the Federal Witness Protection Program after unknowingly subjecting their feline companions to minor perceived slights,” said US Marshal Ephraim Sinclair, carefully placing a felt mouse toy in a manila envelope and filing it into a large cabinet. “Late feedings, accidentally stepping on their tails, knocking over their water dish, not appreciating the dead squirrel they left on the doorstep – you name it, we’ve relocated someone for it. Last year we had to move a man across the country after he recycled an Amazon box that the cat had decided he was maybe going to eventually sit in. The next morning he found the cat trying to light his sheets on fire with a book of matches. I just thank god these cats don’t have opposable thumbs or we’d be in big trouble.”
Authorities warn that while security measures like automatic cat feeders can help you feel safe in the short term, they are ultimately an ineffective deterrent as the cat really just wants your complete and utter submission to their ficklest of whims.
