Wellness gurus across the nation are now confirming that quarantine self-haircuts have officially joined body waxing, nose hair plucking and literally anything Gwyneth Paltrow recommends in the growing list of self-care activities that double as self-harm.
“This pandemic has been so hard that sometimes it’s tough to choose between self-care time in the bath tub or self-harm time with a tub of ice cream,” said Macy Glennon, making sure her Carhartt beanie came down to her eyebrows in our Zoom interview. “But when I look all over YouTube for tutorials on cutting your own hair at home and then actually go through with doing it, I feel like I’m killing two birds with one stone. I never thought I could look like Post Malone after licking a car battery, but here we are.”
Men around Seattle have also taken to cutting their own hair at home with similarly well-intentioned yet masochistic results.
“How hard could it be to cut short hair? Thanks to my beard trimmers, I now have sideburns above my ears and the back of my head is a total mystery,” said Matt Barkley, trying unsuccessfully to take a picture of the back of his own head. “I only own one mirror so I can’t see what’s going on back there. Missing chunks? Mullet? At least my Zoom date tomorrow won’t be able to see the back of my head, but something tells me that from behind I look like a divorced orangutan.”
If you or a friend are seriously considering bangs, wellness experts recommend calling Goop International’s wellness hotline at 1-800-JADE-EGG to be sent a free, exploding vagina-scented candle.
