Seeking to edge out its tight competition with other outdoor brands this year, today Patagonia introduced a first-of-its-kind Pufferfish Puffy that expands into a spiky, venomous ball when threatened.
“In a year like 2020, I think we can all agree we need jackets that protect us from more than the cold,” said brand spokeswoman Sarah Tarrington. “We need protection from people who don’t stay six feet away at all times, police, anyone who still voted for Donald Trump this year, and maybe even some wild animals while you’re trying to escape this trashfire of a civilization out in the wilderness. If you ever feel threatened while wearing our new Pufferfish Puffy, simply let your anxious armpit sweat hit its fabric and poof! You’re now a poisonous ball of thorns free to roll to safety.”
Patagonia—long famous for its environmental and political activism that included clothing tags reading “vote the assholes out” earlier this year—said its new Pufferfish Puffy is an extension of their company’s core values and messaging.
“Our new jackets say to the world, ‘Sure I may look cute, nice and peaceful when I’m minding my own business – but fuck with me and it’s over for you, bud,’” Tarrington said. “Pufferfish aren’t to be underestimated and neither are people who live with love and respect for the environment and all living things. Also, I mean, even if you’re not being attacked by something it’s pretty fun inflating into a spiky sphere and rolling away while laughing maniacally. You have to try it.”
While it doesn’t seem any other outdoor gear brands will be coming out with any similar jacket features this year, Arc’teryx is rumored to be coming out with jackets equipped with Gortex pterodactyl wings.
