A Magnolia neighborhood was terrorized today as a roving band of vegan teens went on a health-conscious Halloween crime spree, reportedly pelting houses with plant-based egg substitute.
“I’m going to be scraping algal flour off my roof for a week,” said Daryl Henderson, longtime Magnolia resident. “They covered my Lexus with coconut whipped cream, too – I mean, just look at it! It’s as edible as a goddamned gluten-free sheet cake now. And get this: I go around back to check on my chicken coop, the door is wide open, and “droits de animaux” is carved into the side. I found my chickens three blocks away pecking in the community P-Patch. I’m glad French immersion class is going well at the charter school, but I’m likely to lose my seat on the Avian Domicile Enforcement Committee over this.”
Magnolia has long been considered the most dangerous neighborhood in the world, and some residents have spent years prepping their homes along with contingency plans for the day the unwashed masses come crashing down on their community.
“When we heard the battering on our walls, we thought the homeless junkie hoards were finally descending on our sleepy little hamlet, gnashing their teeth against our fortifications, their wails of ‘government handouts’ slowly driving us insane as we held up inside our meager five-bedroom American Craftsman,” said homeowner Ted Burrows, lifting the visor of his riot helmet. “Of course, we always knew this day would come, so I sent Barb and the kids to the off-site safe room with their Xanax rations as I set our home ablaze. I’d burn the clothes off my back before I’d give those cretins so much as a cheerio from my home. Well, anyways, as it turns out it was just some teens, so I guess it’s me who has plant-based egg substitute on my face. Looks like we’ll be staying at our cabin until we can assess the fire damage. Wait ‘til the guys at the Homeless Encroachment Task Force get a load of this one, I’ll never hear the end of it.”
The Home Owners Association later announced that Halloween would be completely cancelled in 2021 after it was discovered that children from other unsavory neighborhoods were traveling to Magnolia in pursuit of full-size candy bars. Asked for comment, only a short statement was released.
“No one puts Fremont fingers on our King-sized Butterfingers.”
