A brigade of dazed and despondent white hipsters stumbled back into Seattle tonight after a reportedly harrowing failed attempt at gentrifying the northern Seattle metro area suburb of Everett.
“The Funko pops – have they stopped chasing me yet? I think I got them all off,” said Thom Robertson, 29, as he felt around his torn Carhartt overalls still in a panic. “The Kenny Loggins and Mary Lambert ones were particularly vicious. If we’ve fully escaped any Boeing jets from crashing down onto us, I think we’re finally homefree to go back where we belong for now: Central District.”
The group said they had high hopes when they first arrived in fresh flannels earlier this month.
“We thought we could move into this middle-class bedroom community and flip it into something much cooler, but we just couldn’t do it — they out-whited us,” said Anna Yardley. “Turns out successful gentrifying really works best when you’re displacing a vibrant and creative black community. For right now, I think we need to just take a minute to regroup in the CD before we try our luck next month in Tukwila.”
At press time, Robertson and Yardley were taking turns photographing each other in their fashionably torn attire against a cute historic brick building slated for demolition next month.
