Following a tumultuous year for the city of Seattle, a comforting sense of calm and normalcy has returned to the city as the Mariners continued their playoff drought for the 19th straight year.
“In a year as unpredictable as 2020, we can all take some strange comfort in life’s certainties: Death, taxes, and the Seattle Mariners missing the playoffs,” said longtime Mariners superfan Herb Walker. “Like I’ve said every year since 2001, next year is our year for sure. There’s a lot of room for optimism: Kyle Lewis looked outstanding this year and has a real shot at Rookie of the Year! Just really gets you excited at the prospect of squandering his immense talent for the next ten years.”
While the Seattle Mariners are the one and only baseball franchise never to appear in a World Series, Mariners General Manager Jerry Dipoto urged fans to remain patient with their 20-year rebuilding strategy.
“You know in a stressful year like this, it’s probably for the best that we keep these kids home for the off-season, just to make sure they’re fresh for next year,” said Dipoto. “All the other teams are gonna be tuckered out after playing all that extra baseball, and meanwhile we’re gonna have 20 years of fresh tread on these tires. Sure, a Lamborghini might get to the finish line faster, but who’s gonna be laughing when the Camry outlasts its warranty by 12 years? The Seattle Mariners, that’s who.”
Local sporting goods stores were reportedly crestfallen after being forced to scrap all the “I Survived 2020 and All I Got Was This Lousy 2nd Wildcard Banner” t-shirts they had in stock.
