A Fremont man returned from PCC with a nasty surprise today after discovering that a second stimulus check would not eventually be arriving this fall to rescue him from his costly impulse purchase of a single $49 turnip at PCC.
“I came in here because I had a coupon for a free bushel of organic kohlrabi stems, but then this organic purple gem—nature’s true candy—caught my eye. I thought, what’s one impulse buy? We’ll be getting a second stimulus sometime soon, right?” said Glenn Moss. “Next thing you know the President is high as a kite and he’s holding the second stimulus hostage as a campaign threat. What the hell happened?”
While PCC management was unable to offer Moss a refund for his impulse turnip, they assured him that the additional cost was worth the ethically-sourced covenant he had made that day.
“At PCC, we believe that every precious morsel of Mother Nature’s bounty is special, and that’s why we pay someone to rub extra dirt on all the produce before it hits the shelves, so you know that it’s fresh,” said PCC spokesperson Bergamot Fenstrom. “Notice that glossy shine on that bushel of basil? Well that’s because Mark here spent all afternoon paying it platonic compliments, and I know you’ll be able to tell the difference when you sprinkle it over your vegan risotto tonight. Our quality control associates ensure that our contracted farmers shake the hand of each and every hen that lays an egg, to make sure they know we appreciate their miraculous bounty. Does this extra labor increase our costs a little? Well sure, but that’s what sets us apart from those bloodsucking capitalist whores at Whole Foods.”
A PCC spokesperson declined to comment on the turnip in question, but did assure that the grocery co-op does offer low-interest financing for all non-perishables.
