With the fate of American democracy hanging on the ability of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to remain healthy, Justice Ginsburg has reportedly returned from her latest hospital stint to a pile of care packages containing thoughtfully donated human organs.
“We must keep RBG alive at all costs, for if she passes so too does American democracy as we know it!” shouted Supreme Court superfan Fred Darby, frantically YouTubing amateur surgery videos. “What does she need—a lung? String of intestine? A testicle? I don’t know what she would need that for, but…whatever, I have two and American democracy is at stake! Take my testicle, oh glorious Judicial Queen! It would be my honor, nay, my privilege!”
While Justice Ginsburg was reportedly quite flattered by the well wishes and generosity of her fans, she urged supporters to hold onto their own hard-earned organs and look after themselves instead.
“You’re all so very, very kind, but I already have more kidneys than I know what to do with,” said Justice Ginsburg, opening up more blood-soaked fanmail. “Oh, and this liver was so thoughtfully embroidered with ‘Notorious RBG!’ It’s just darling, but you know I can’t accept these. I have enough truth and justice pumping through my veins to last me 100 more years as long as I can move enough of these spleens out of the away to do my daily set of pushups and planks.”
Out of all the gifted organs, Ginsburg is reportedly only keeping a single a pair of chopped-off testicles to wear as her new dissent collar.
