U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was shaken today following an incident that forced her to grab a nearby child to shield herself from a sneezing man during a local school press conference.
“Ugh, I can’t believe I had to actually touch one of these disgusting juveniles. Someone get me some hand sanitizer,” said DeVos, tossing the moist child aside. “At least they’re useful sometimes in situations like these, or when you eventually financially exploit them later through student loan debt.”
Though the near-death experience was slightly traumatic, DeVos said she’s now committed to her goals more than ever.
“As you can see, the child has survived and appears quite resilient so it should have no problem serving a school term in the general population,” DeVos said, spraying a nearby child with Lysol. “And if he or one of his siblings doesn’t survive, we’ll all be a little bit closer to creating a national surplus of textbooks—everyone wins. Especially the companies that will now be able to more easily force their employees back to work so me and my friends can start raking in dough like we used to. And please don’t ask for any safety plans, PPE or Lysol – this can’s all mine.”
Following the press conference, DeVos announced that the Department of Education would, however, provide all schools extra glossy yearbook paper to allow for additional staff obituaries.
