To thank him for an unforgettably clever corporate psychopathy that tested the limits of how many people a multi-billion-dollar company could kill without legal consequence in the name of fully optimized profit margins, Boeing has awarded outgoing CEO Dennis Muilenburg with a $62 million golden sateen, 400 thread count parachute.
“Nothing but the best for this guy. We’ll always remember the sheer financial efficiency he achieved in his negligent murder of 346 people aboard the 737 MAX for fleeting capitalist gains—a true American patriot,” said newly appointed CEO David Calhoun. “I mean, making at least $179,190.75 per human life! I think we can all agree that a human life is easily worth at least like $200 to $300, so to erase them from our plane of existence at such a profit margin for himself is truly the feat of an at least sociopathic virtuoso. I just hope that I can live up to the shining capitalist example that our stockholders deserve.”
Before collecting his award at a going-away board meeting party this morning, Muilenburg said the real reward he reaped from cutting hundreds of lives short is something $62 million just can’t buy.
“When a Boeing plane was shot down last week in Iran – a country embroiled in a military conflict with the most powerful nation on the planet while crawling with Russian agents — everyone still assumed it was due to one of my faulty plane models,” said Muilenburg, gently studying the charred black box pulled from the smoldering wreckage of the doomed Ethiopian Air flight before returning it to his trophy case. “That, my friend, is something money can’t buy: A true legacy.”
After rousing applause at the board meeting party, a confused Muilenburg was then handed the literal $62 million golden parachute and rushed onto a private, pilotless 737 AXE that expectedly plummeted from the sky this afternoon.
“I’m sure he’s fine – no matter what, guys like him always seem to land on their feet,” Calhoun said. “I’ll bet he’s already convincing a pharmaceutical company in Florida to sell each square inch of that parachute to terminal cancer patients as a last-resort cure worth $15k a pop.”
