A silent night turned into a cacophony of clattering keyboards as the nation’s social media managers roused from their beds last night to crank out a series of panicked Kwanzaa tweets, despite having no fucking idea what they were talking about.
“I sent out a Christmas tweet, a happy holidays Instagram story, shit even a lighthearted Festivus Tik-Tok, how could I forget Kwanzaa?” said Garrett Philbin, social media manager for Butte Outdoor Wear. “Okay, um, how’s this: ‘Get out all of the lights, all of the Kwanzaa lights!’ Or ‘It’s three cheers for Kwanzaa, y’all!’ Oh God, did I really just tweet ‘Three cheers for Kwanzaa, y’all?’ I’m so fired.”
Twitter has been tracking this annual phenomena for several years, with amusing results.
“Yeah, the ‘Kwanzaa Spike’ happens at about 11:54 PM every December 26th,” said Kelly Jackson, traffic analyst for Twitter. “The entire nation sees a rise in #Kwanzaa tweets as the nation’s social media managers realize they’ve forgotten to publicly recognize the holiday. I’ve seen all kinds of weird tweets so far. ‘We’re Kwazy for Kwanzaa’ definitely got someone fired, one guy just tweets out ‘KWANZAAAAAAAA’ every year and apparently it’s working because that’s four years in a row. ‘Feliz Kwanzeltov’ was a new one this year, which is like, four things at once. That guy was definitely still drunk.”
Asked if Twitter was ever going to let social media managers know they actually have an entire week to spend five minutes researching the holiday to post something a little more thoughtful, she shook her head.
“Nah,” Jackson said as she turned her chair, lit the Kujichagulia candle and read a Maya Angelou quote. “We are only as blind as we want to be.”
