It’s election season in Seattle, and that can only mean one thing: A bulbous ballot stuffed with Tim Eyman-authored initiatives designed to skirt any concern for the general well-being of the community. But this time Eyman managed to slip in a curious new initiative – one that would officially declare once and for all that his head does not, in fact, look like an ancient harvest idol carved from a rotten turnip.
“I don’t care if it takes one hundred initiatives, this is slander and I will make it stop,” said Eyman, whose head definitely looks like a cursed twelfth-century jack-o-lantern placed on a crumbling Medieval estate wall to ward off the wandering spirits of murdered Irish hobos. “Even though my ceaseless volley of attention-seeking initiatives are struck down with a regularity that would squash — I mean absolutely crush, the spirit of a normal man–I know Seattle’s voters will turnip in my favor … I mean turnout!”
Tim Eyman rose to prominence in the Seattle political scene over the past several decades for his relentless pursuit of small government, the sheer volume of his introduced initiatives, and his head that looks precisely like that aged felt tomato that your grandmother puts her sewing needles in.
“I’m not sure man, I might be with Tim on this one,” said Matt Correa, a Fremont resident and regular voter. “I think his head looks more like an old baked potato that fell behind the couch and got covered in dog hair, but my dad thinks his head looks like the old stump out in the woods that he used to hide his Playboys in back in the 70’s. It’s honestly a toss-up, there’s really no wrong answers here.”
At press time, Tim Eyman’s head still looked like the lumpy wet clay vase in the Patrick Swayze film, ‘Ghost’.
