In this week’s much requested reprint of The Stranger’s 2019 Kink Issue, the city’s only biweekly included a heaving plea for their relentless corporate media suitors to take their loutish, square-toed Oxfords and step on the independent paper’s journalistic integrity because “that would be so hot, Daddy, please.”
“Obviously, we pride ourselves on the journalistic standards we hold as a long-standing independent paper,” said an unnamed Stranger staffer, mindlessly playing with the top button of their shirt. “But sometimes it’s just so deliciously naughty imagining myself being forced to adhere to a corporate mandated script, following focus-grouped talking points with the sole intention of protecting the best interests of our sponsoring bodies.”
A coworker biting her lip agreed.
“God, could you imagine if NewsCorp, Sinclair or another multi-billion-dollar media conglomerate put their filthy, money-stained hands all over our editorial page?” she asked. “Fuck, I need a cold shower.”
Several other staffers agreed how delightfully titillating it is to imagine every vertical of the local news enterprise forcefully held down by the stifling tendrils of corporate oversight.
“Sometimes I fantasize that a balding man in an ill-fitting suit is looming over my standing desk and forcing me to stay until I’ve produced a puff piece about a well-connected politician that I know to be corrupt,” said a third Stranger staffer, also wishing to remain anonymous. “Maybe they reside on a local Health Oversight Committee, but they’re receiving illicit donations in exchange for removing long-standing consumer protections that would leave hundreds of at-risk youth without healthcare … fuck, oh God, please … and I’m completely aware of the extent this corruption goes, but I’m just helplessly unable to alert the public to this gross misconduct. Just thinking about it has somehow gotten me wet with frothing santorum.”
Brainstorming has already begun for next year’s Kink Issue, with ‘Top Five Substances to Lick From Jeff Bezos’ Grubby Capitalist Fingers’ currently slated for the cover story.
