After decades of countless warnings, today Connecticut was formally ordered by the rest of the United States to stop calling whatever the fuck that is pizza.
“Call that sad, thin bread covered in clams, potatoes, bacon or whatever you sick fucks are putting on it these days anything you want except pizza, and that’s an order,” said the mayors of every other major U.S city in a joint statement cosigned by every other state in the nation. “Admit it: Connecticut only has the most pizza restaurants per capita because of the insatiabe longing everyone has for the real thing after eating at every single one of them, even in and especially Watertown.”
The national order comes two years after the delusional state started calling itself the Pizza Capital of the United States.
“We were all trying to be nice and patient, hoping they’d figure it out on their own that what they’ve been eating and marketing as pizza most certainly is not,” said New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani. “But they didn’t, so we had no other choice. Connecticut, your cheeseless ‘pizza’ is at best some weird, open-faced burrito you make with whatever leftovers happen to be in the fridge, and you know it. If you keep calling it that and ever step into my jurisdiction, I will have you arrested. Try being humble like Seattle: When their pizza gets highly ranked nationally, they don’t believe that shit for a second.”
At press time, all discussion of what to call the nation’s most popular dish had been halted after the United States was ordered by Italy to stop calling any of that pizza.
