Upset that they’re not allowed to help ICE agents violate people’s constitutional rights—only document them doing it—today Seattle Police Department officers asked Mayor Katie Wilson if they can at least get special chairs to sit in if they have to just watch another law enforcement agency brutalize the people they usually do.
“Look, we can get into just watching and filming all the action go down as long as there’s a nice, cushy chair to do it from so we don’t feel like a totally invisible afterthought in the whole operation,” said Seattle Police Officers Guild President Mike Solan. “REI folding lawn chairs won’t do it—we’re talking at least upholstered Holiday Inn hotel room quality. We just want to feel a little bit special even if we’re not getting to play a leading role in getting paid six figures to fuck over people we’re technically supposed to protect.”
SPD Chief Shon Barnes reminded officers that they already have special chairs in their cars to just watch and do nothing about crimes happening right in front of them.
“Stop acting like this is anything different from what you usually do whenever you’re not sleeping off three donuts in your patrol cars,” said Chief Barnes. “Only I get a special chair in my giant office to watch federal authorities dominate this city without inserting myself.”
Asked whatever happened to his statement last year that he would “probably go to jail” if federal authorities ever abused people’s constitutional rights in Seattle, Chief Barnes said that was before he knew how cushy his special chair would be.
