Assuming Southern Residents are just as afraid of living next to more coloreds and poors as they are, today a coalition of orca-loving conservatives once again appealed a Seattle plan to increase the city’s supply of affordable housing.
“Won’t someone think of whether the Southern Residents want more apartment buildings around here?” said appellant Dixie Belle from her palatial waterfront home in Alki. “We can only assume that if they’re called Southern Residents, nothing gives them the vapors quite like an environment with more racial and economic diversity. It goes against the character of this neighborhood since the Denny Party first arrived here to expel non-white people.”
Asked for comment, local J-Pod Southern Resident Kiki pleaded for these human groups to stop embarrassing themselves and misrepresenting who the noble and endangered Southern Resident orcas are with their barely veiled racist and classist agenda.
“We’re literally pescatarians with a history of being kidnapped by people for how nice we are to everyone, so please don’t project your cruel prejudices onto us,” said Kiki of J-Pod as she cringed at the group’s environment-destroying AI-art depiction of her in the group’s new logo. “Don’t they have some other fake, half-assed way to blame-shift all the environmental harm mostly caused by greedy assholes like themselves onto poor and middle-class people like shaming them if they don’t use paper straws? When you flee the state by yacht because of the millionaire’s tax, do let us know though so we get a chance to say goodbye to you.”
At press time, the Southern Resident conservationists were getting dinner with a few Denny Blaine residents who unsuccessfully tried to install a playground at a longtime queer nude beach in their neighborhood to ask each other why won’t anyone think of the children?
