Although one local ICE agent said he was initially happy to buy his own uniform and gear to carry out cruel extrajudicial crimes against his own country’s residents, today he admits he doesn’t know if he’s wearing the baklava mask on his head right.
“I’ve never had one of these – I guess you just apply sheets of it with this adhesive they included,” said new ICE Agent [redacted] as he wiped his hands on a shirt barely covering his stomach. “Oh, bother—why is this baklava mask so sticky? Hope I have this on right.”
As the adhesive dripped into his mouth during one raid on a kindergarten class this afternoon, he was surprised to discover it tasted exactly like honey.
“I didn’t know masks came in flavors – wow! So hard to choose between being publicly identified for being a member of a modern gestapo and eating this whole mask before I get back to the hotel room,” Agent [redacted] said while Googling the benefits of honey-based face masks. “AND it’s supposed to be really good for your skin? Gov. Ferguson, you can take this face mask from my cold sticky fingers.”
At press time, colleagues were telling a curious Agent [redacted] that the flavor of their black baklava masks was salty with a few splashes of someone else’s blood.
