After a weekend invasion of Venezuela followed by threats to several other nations including Greenland again, today President Donald Trump announced his administration also plans to acquire Alaska.
“Lots of oil up there LOTS and we’re going to free it from the corrupt dictatorship that controls it now,” said President Trump. “Their people will no longer have to worry about the oppression of the Alaskan Permanent Fund, which is basically an evil socialist universal basic income that could have paid each of them up to $3,600 this year—private oil companies are on their way to save them from having to collect it as we speak.”
The plan came as a surprise to Congress because they were not consulted for approval at all and also, according to some like Sen. Lisa Murkowski, Alaska is already part of the United States. Some U.S. senators weren’t so sure though.
“President Trump’s actions today with Alaska raise more questions than answers. Is America going to be involved in running and stabilizing Alaska?” said Sen. Maria Cantwell (D-Wash.) in a statement copied and pasted from ChatGPT after asking it what’s the most useless and spineless thing she could say on the topic. “Today’s actions raise many questions about the stability of the region and our policy towards the Arctic and if Alaska should be part of the United States.”
At press time, Vice President JD Vance was already in the Arctic country to survey it and, in solidarity with President Trump, turn his hands blue.
