One local salmon seen binging gallons of tire runoff pouring into the suburban hometown stream he returned to today admitted he knows it’s bad for him, but it’s just too deliciously tempting to deny.
“I know it’s high in 6PPD-quinone, but who doesn’t overeat things that are technically literally poison when they’re back home for the holidays?” said the salmon as he dove face-first into waterfall of polluted stormwater. “I grew up on this stuff, so it’s nostalgic too. Look, if I could fight my primal urges you think I’d even be this far back inland in December? Ooo! Do I detect some PAHs in this stormwater too? Yum!”
Local biologists say they’re working their hardest to prevent salmon from consuming pollutants that are killing them off too soon.
“It’s not their fault, it’s ours—we’re making it literally the water they swim in,” said biologist Sally Handly. “If we want them to stop consuming deadly chemicals, we really need to make sure it’s just not even in their house.”
At press time, the salmon was still indulging the tire runoff saying “Hey, we’re all gonna die someday anyway and for me that day is today before I got a chance to even spawn—ah, shit.”
