Katie Wilson proudly announced Wednesday night that, in addition to officially being elected Seattle’s next mayor, she’s also already secured unanimous endorsements from local Democrats for her second term after promising death will come swiftly to any and all of her enemies.
“I’m proud of the positive and progressive vision that got us across the finish line tonight even without sole endorsements of most of the local Democratic establishment,” said Wilson in her victory speech to supporters. “But you know what? This would have been a fuck-ton easier and less torturous if I had gotten those endorsements instead of my famously vindictive predecessor. That’s why tonight I’m also happy to report that I’ve already privately threatened enough local Democratic leadership with unspeakable horrors to be already unanimously endorsed for a second term.”
MLK Labor Union, Rep. Pramila Jayapal and King County Councilmember Teresa Mosqueda were among the endorsers who have committed to never going against Wilson’s wishes again.
“The only reason I and several others endorsed Bruce Harrell even when it was clear Wilson had a ton of support and momentum behind her is I was more scared of what he would do to me than what she would,” said Rep. Jayapal. “But after what she whispered in my ear before dunking my head in a toilet several times tonight, she has my full support from here on out.”
At press time, most rich families in Seattle, the Eastside and Florida had already gotten ahead of Wilson’s threats and barricaded themselves in panic rooms after hearing another socialist has been elected the mayor of a major city in America.
