After a torturous, week-long vote count that ultimately resulted in him losing a second term as mayor of Seattle to progressive Katie Wilson today, Mayor Bruce Harrell immediately announced he’d be stepping back from the public arena to spend more time with most of his family.
“It’s been a pleasure these past four years to pretend like I’ve done anything other than pad the wallets of the city’s richest people, greediest corporations, and blatantly corrupt cops, but the time has come for me to enjoy more time with the part of my family that best fit into my political narrative,” said Harrell. “Obviously, that doesn’t include my first biological son that I weirdly denied the existence of my entire political career. Or my niece who got so sick of the sexism in my entourage that she resigned from being my senior deputy mayor and then told KUOW all about it. Other than them, I totally have a great relationship with the rest of my family members and I’m so excited to find out what they’ve been up to these past four years.”
Harrell will also reportedly be spending time with a recent new friend his campaign staff introduced to him today to break the bad news the best way they knew how: A 10-foot AI MLK Jr.
“We thought they were all out of stock of AI MLK Jr’s out there after his daughter Bernice repeatedly begged the public not to dishonor her father’s memory as a civil rights hero,” said Deputy Mayor Tim Burgess. “But we knew how much Bruce wanted to get a giant, interactive AI MLK Jr. in Downtown Seattle during his second term, so we found one! AI MLK Jr. was so sweet: Before he broke the bad news, he first asked Bruce what he’d had for breakfast, and complimented him on his choice of hamburgers, ‘the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast!’”
At press time, Harrell was asking AI MLK Jr. if sometimes he eats pints of ice cream for breakfast too.
