Mariners fans concerned Humpy partied too hard after winning his first two Salmon Runs this month were assured today that—despite his body’s obvious exponential decay over the last few days—he’s still very much alive and just in his zombie fish phase.
“Don’t worry! Although you may witness pieces of his flesh rotting so badly they’re gruesomely falling off his body, he’s still very much alive and able to spawn—even after spending the last week drowning in roe and spreading his milt everywhere from Seattle to Cedar River!” said Fish & Wildlife biologist Kristie Hansen. “Just like with the Mariners, slowly decomposing while technically still alive is just the inevitable next stage of their natural life cycle.”
Asked how long zombie fish like Humpy can stay alive, Hansen said several weeks.
“You’d be surprised! You see fins dangling off beat up, tattered zombie fish like Humpy and think, oh they’re either already dead or going to be very shortly, but no, not at all!” Hansen said as one of Humpy’s eyeballs started drooping out of its socket. “If the Mariners make it to the World Series, Humpy and his fellow fanged male competitors should have no problem ending the season with an exciting, Halloween-week Zombie Salmon Run won by whoever can cross the finish line in one piece.”
Hansen also assured everyone that Zombie Humpy didn’t eat the brains of Seattle Mayor Bruce Harrell and City Council President Sara Nelson after taking photos together last week because they didn’t have any for him to eat.
