This morning Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol made the unexpected and startling announcement that the company has canceled pumpkin spice season only three days into fall after cinnamon unionized and demanded a fair spice mix contract.
“Partners, I know pumpkin-spice season is big for the brand, but I think I speak for all shareholders when I say we’d rather light this whole company on fire than negotiate anything with some lowly, brown seasonal spice,” said Niccol. “Even if this decision tanks our stocks—oh, which it definitely is—please be assured this company remains steadfast as ever in its commitment to union-bust no matter the literal cost to anyone including ourselves.”
The announcement came not long after unionized cinnamon spices held rallies on Monday for more fair fall PSL working conditions at unionized Seattle Starbucks Reserve Roasteries, which were also shuttered overnight and permanently closed Thursday with no prior notice.
“We’re the ones who make this company what it is and we’re not asking for much before we’re guzzled down some suburban tourist’s gullet—just a fair mix of PSL spices negotiated in good faith so we cinnamon aren’t carrying too much of the load,” said union spokespice Curly Stick. “This company gives all the credit to pumpkin for PSL season even though it literally does zero percent of the essential fall seasonal work around here. It’s just astonishing this company would rather cancel its most popular product just to stick it to cinnamon sticks like me.”
At press time, sources were reporting Starbucks will also be canceling its contract with the Starbucks Siren after she attempted to lure C-suite execs into giving her an astronomical 1% raise.
