The hunt is over: After decades of soul-searching, Sasquatch has found himself.
Cryptozoologists have been looking for Bigfoot for over a hundred years, but none of them realized just how lost he truly was. “There was no plan,” recalls Biggie Foots, “I just left my finance job and started a long, blurry journey of self-discovery.”
But could Sasquatch find happiness in nature? Or was he just going to Thoreau it all away?
“I dabbled for a while: mushrooms, Wicca, riding the rails, drumming in a ska band—any identity-shaped glass I could pour myself into,” recounts Sasquatch. “For years, I hiked up and down the PCT with my dog-eared Cheryl Strayed, just growing out my hair and trying to see myself more clearly.”
So how did Sasquatch finally accomplish his big feat?
“A man came up to me in Skykomish and asked the time, so I checked my watch, only I didn’t have a watch,” laughs Mr. Foot. “I traded it for Clif Bars years ago. And that’s when it hit me—the thing I always wanted was right in front of me the whole time: money.”
Sasquatch got a haircut, moved back to the city, called on his old network, and founded a luxury brand of wearable timepieces that don’t pinch your arm hair. “Life in the woods was fun, but it’s better on my boat,” beamed a freshly waxed Sasquatch, free of the pains of self-reflection.
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