Today Israeli settlers responded to criticism that they keep openly stealing land, homes and life from innocent Palestinians with a solemn promise that they’re already working on a land acknowledgment to fully admit how wrong it all was about 20 years from now.
“We are privileged to stand on the ancestral grounds of the Palestinian peoples,” said IDF Reserve Sgt. Yoav Cohen at a gathering of West Bank settlers who had just bulldozed 10 Palestinian homes. “And today, we honor their sacred connection to the land around us by planting a 75-acre tinderbox of European pines to remind us of the ancient Palestinian olive tree groves we burnt to the ground last week to make way for them.”
Settlers said they only just recently realized how essential it is to workshop some boilerplate land acknowledgment language to say at the beginning of every community gathering.
“At first, many of us were confused to hear of these Americans and Canadians complaining about the hard work we do to exterminate Palestinians – aren’t we just doing what you did to Native Americans and First Nations peoples?” said Daniella Weiss, often referred to as the “godmother” of Israel’s illegal settlement movement. “But then we realized what we were missing: land acknowledgements. We are once again grateful to our U.S. allies, because they showed us that you can get away scot-free with genocide and promise zero amends for the harm so long as you pretend to feel sorry afterwards.”
At press time, leading AIPAC-funded Democrats Cory Booker, Adam Schiff and Maria Cantwell said they couldn’t wait to visit again be among the first progressives to use it.
