A recent poll of Westlake office workers revealed that an astonishing 87% of employees secretly hope that a landing seaplane will accidentally decapitate a paddleboarder, with “doing a cool flip” and “just admiring the unique opportunity to watch seaplanes land in our beautiful city” garnering a paltry 12% and 1% of the votes, respectively.
“Look, I know it sounds bad, but obviously the results show I’m not in the minority here,” said Carol Stevens, employee at an unnamed Westlake office building. “Of course I don’t actually want it to happen, but if it did, it would be pretty cool. You can’t tell me you haven’t been kind of curious what it would look like if one of those landing seaplanes buzzed a little too low and clipped a paddleboarder. Do you think the headless body would keep paddling for a couple more strokes before falling into the water, or would the force of the plane launch the head to the MOHAI? Really makes you think.”
Following the shocking results of the poll, the poll’s lead researcher had some choice words for the bloodthirsty office workers of Seattle.
“Our studies have shown that you jealous, sick sons of bitches are really itching to watch a seaplane swoop down from the heavens and forcefully shear the head from the well-toned body of a paddleboarder right in front of you, spraying blood all over the place,” said Kate McKenzie, lead researcher for the landmark study. “Yeah, you’d probably like to see the plane shred a flock of geese on the way down too, raining down bloody feathers and viscera onto hapless pedestrians below. Oh no, that man thought it was the first snow of the season and tried to catch a snowflake on his tongue, and now he’s realized that he has a mouthful of feathers and bloody entrails. I bet that really gets you going, huh? You people make me fucking sick.”
A follow-up study revealed that yeah, you sick fucks really do want to see those geese get turned inside out, their cleaved carcasses raining down into a Gasworks Park picnic as a recent divorcee who is just getting back out there, just doing her best, takes a bite of mediocre PCC hummus on her lunch date with a nice enough guy who isn’t much to look at, and maybe dotes on his mom a little too much, but that isn’t the worst thing in the world all things considered, even though he’s a little balder than his Hinge profile indicated, but now that’s the least of her worries because there’s two-thirds of a goose in her lap. I bet that really gets you going huh? You people make me fucking sick.
