After coming up short on primary night despite his expected invincibility as the local political establishment’s PAC-funded pick, today Mayor Bruce Harrell threatened to move back to Bellevue with his rich friends if progressive Katie Wilson wins the race for Seattle mayor again this fall.
“I never wanted it to come to this, but I’m afraid that if you don’t give me a second term as mayor, Seattle, I’m going to leave you for Bellevue with all my rich friends,” said Harrell with his dear friend, former Seattle mayor and alleged foster-child molester Ed Murray at his side. “And you don’t want that to happen because, believe me, do you have any idea how bored you’re gonna be with a mayor who actually does their job of serving every Seattle resident instead of immediately bending over for rich homophobic Denny Blaine residents who can’t understand the concept of a public park or state law? Instead of threatening to defund the city’s labor rights department when it investigates wage theft at my gentleman’s club? What if she actually does something other than wear denim on Denim Day for domestic violence victims? Will there even be enough officers to terrorize the homeless and the queers? KUOW’s had enough taken from them this year – don’t take away my endless font of scandals to investigate from them too.”
Because Wilson has committed to generating more progressive revenue from the richest people and companies in Seattle to at a minimum balance the city budget without raiding JumpStart’s affordable housing funds like last year, Harrell is concerned there could be giant waves of rich refugees fleeing Magnolia and Laurelhurst too.
“If we scare away our richest and most self-centered residents, this city will become overrun by people who don’t just pretend to be progressive but actually are,” Harrell said. “Who’s going to sabotage the social housing program the city overwhelming voted in support of without me around? So, I would just think twice about how you vote this fall, Seattle—or else … or else Seattle will never be Bellevue.”
At press time, most Seattleites agreed they were just glad he wasn’t threatening them with a gun.
