After witnessing the mayor of Los Angeles have to order an unwelcome ICE and National Guard brigade out of MacArthur Park today, the Seattle Police Department reminded feds that they’re more than equipped to terrorize minorities on their own.
“We were saddened to see such a lack of faith in local law enforcement’s ability to sufficiently bully and batter its own minority and immigrant communities in LA this morning,” said new Seattle Police Department Chief Shon Barnes. “So, before you try anything similar here, we’d just like to remind you this is the same department that had the most police officers at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, made headlines worldwide for cruelly joking about brutally running over and killing a woman because she was a young immigrant going to college here, and raided gay bars last year literally over an old law that technically made male nipples being exposed around alcohol illegal. We’ve got it covered!”
Asked if being Black could potentially compromise his ability to carry out his duty of doing whatever makes the richest white homophobic racists around happy, Chief Barnes said absolutely not.
“Look, I’m just here to make supposedly progressive liberals think the police department’s racism problem has been solved so that they never actually demand enough accountability for these former schoolyard bullies with guns from Puyallup more excited about owning libs and any reason to use a weapon than they are about protecting anyone,” Barnes said. “The real police chief here is the white head of the police union, Mike Solan, an absolutely unhinged right-wing nut job and Trumper who keeps trying to extort the city for as much money as possible while making creepy ‘fEel sAfER YET?!’ posts on social media. Give him some credit: He’s basically already running a local version of what you guys are doing–just don’t step on his toes and we’re good!”
At press time, Chief Barnes kindly reminded feds that the only help the department actually needs from them in order to better terrorize minorities and protesters is a lifting of a 13-year federal oversight consent decree that’s been in place since Native American woodcarver John T. Williams was shot dead for crossing the street in front of a Seattle police officer.
