Today a couple who had the audacity to sit on a nearby picnic blanket eating fresh, local fruits and goodies in peace was kicked out of the Columbia City Farmers Market for obviously not having any children.
“Someone came up to me and said they noticed I was reading a novel on a blanket that wasn’t covered in goldfish crumbs and said that it must be nice to have relatives nearby. After I explained that Casey and I don’t have children, the farmers market said they could offer us a loaner child so we could stay and have someone who needed all their food cut into very small bites,” said Maggie Noyce. “When we declined, they asked us to leave. I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with sitting outside and not being dragged to stand in a line for over an hour to get a balloon animal that will pop within 20 minutes.”
Market representative Nora Wexbaum explained that the Columbia City Farmers Market was intended as a place where families with small children could feel welcome without being reminded how nice it would be to not have small children.
“While we don’t want to exclude anyone, we want this to be a safe place for parents to stare blankly into space as they wonder whether it would’ve been easier to just make Kraft macaroni and cheese at home instead of feeding their child a carton of strawberries for dinner,” Wexbaum said. “We want people who—instead of looking alarmed as the air fills with the piercing screams of toddlers whose popsicles have fallen into the grass—slowly shake their head while mouthing ‘your turn’ to their partners.”
After being turned away, Maggie and her spouse said they had no choice but to instead enjoy a charming cocktail bar before going home to have carefree, loud, and uninterrupted sex.
