After failing to construct a playground intended to disrupt the historically queer nude beach at Denny Blaine Park and then failing to have the park closed altogether, opponents of the beach have officially proposed a DeGenitalized Zone to separate the beach from the parking lot.
“There’s simply no place for nudity at a nude beach, and that’s why the proposed DeGenitalized Zone would feature a 200-foot no-man’s land complete with military-grade pixelation technology to ensure that no one gets an unsightly eye full of jugs, sees a stray hoohah, or God forbid—observes a wiener in the wild,” said neighborhood mansion owner Clark Perrot. “If they somehow manage to get past the DGZ’s bra wire and underwear-snare traps, we’ve got guards armed with towels ready to wrangle any dangle that tries to corrupt the sacred fabric of the parking lot.”
Stuart Sloan, owner of Seattle’s University Village, had earlier offered to pay $500k to build a playground to deter nude beach-goers, but was now offering to fund the proposed DeGenitalized Zone.
“I called Mayor Harrell directly to complain about this grave situation, but he just kept giggling during the conversation—I fail to see what’s funny about a parade of boobies bouncing and tallywhackers flopping around near my home,” said Sloan, peering at the beach through solar eclipse glasses. “How am I supposed to enjoy my $21 million, 8,310-square-foot waterfront mansion if I know there are loose willies out there bobbing around in the water?”
At press time, police were already in the proposed degenitalized zone arresting several nude squirrels.
